Exercise your Chuckle Muscles

“When I said I wanted to me a comedian they laughed. They’re not laughing now! (Bob Monkhouse)

After a two year visit to the United States , Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy ... Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river' God gave him a rowing boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river' God turned him into a woman. She checked the map, hiked 100 yards upstream and walked across the bridge. Note: send this to any woman in need of cheering up, and to any man who can handle it. (If at first you don’t succeed do it the way your wife told you in the first place) Out of the mouth of Spike Milligan (my Comedy Hero) ... “Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion”. “How long was I in the Army? 5ft 11ins.” “I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.” “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” “And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.” “Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?” “I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.” (apparently Woody Allen also said this, but let’s not argue about it - LB)

HELL - AS EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT (The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term) The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well .. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"