© Lionel Beck - North Yorkshire - UK “Laughter is the act of making a loud noise through a hole in your face ... ... anywhere else and you’re in dead trouble!” (Ken Dodd) TOOL DEFINITIONS DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit..." SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip on bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your voice. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Exercise for Older Adults: Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day,you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then try 50- pound sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100- pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level) After you feel confident at that level, start again with a potato in each of the sacks.   SOME IRISH NEWS JUST IN .. Ireland’s worst air disaster struck today when a 2 seater plane crashed in a cemetery. Rescue workers have so far recovered 826 bodies. Digging continues. * * * There's been a power cut in Dublin’s largest department store today .. Some customers were stuck on the escalators for over three hours! * * * 23 people have been found glued to the walls and ceiling of a train in Dublin. Police believe a local terrorist group may have set off the first ever “No More Nails” bomb. COMPANY NEWS .. Marks & Spencers are forced to downsize: “The finest crisp white writing paper, hand written using only the best ink, lovingly folded and wrapped in a beautifully decorated envelope.” “This is no ordinary P45 - this is an M&S P45” RELIGIOUS NEWS .. Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter says, “Sisters, you all Led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.” The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren”; and *poof* she's gone. The second says, “I want to be Madonna” and *poof* she's gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he asks. “Sara Pipalini” replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I'm sorry, we have no record of such a person”   The nun shows St. Peter a newspaper. He reads it and hands it back saying.. “No sister, the paper says it was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.” UK Floods - shock scene in West Sussex (Shurely shome mishtake - Ed) “I told you I was ill” (On the headstone of Spike Milligan’s grave .. in Gaelic because the vicar objected). Made with Xara Web Designer